Have you ever been hit by a snowball? Has any of the snow lingered in its gradual passage from a frozen substance to a liquid one? Does it sting?
Let’s see if there’s a metaphor here for enterprising family members and others with whom we’re close. In our relationships with others, we’re bound to get hit on occasion by a snowball. Often unexpectedly, a close family member will give us a zap, a sting, a shot from the dark. Typically verbal, but sometimes in writing yet hopefully not by email where it may be subject to viewing by others, someone we’re close to is going to lash out at us. Perhaps it’s in response to something we said or did, but maybe not. It might just be an attack all on its own. Regardless, we’ve been hit by a snowball.
Receiving the “hit” is actually the easy part. The challenge is now what to do about it. We’ve got options. We can roll up some snow of our own and fling it back. But, of course, in doing so, we risk an escalation- more snowballs, harder snowballs, and so on. Or we can let go, and in doing that, effect a cease fire. Often we’re reluctant to let go because that’s equivalent to “giving up” or acknowledging the other was correct. And, of course, if the other was correct, that means we were wrong. Nope. That’s certainly not acceptable either. Other options? How about a cease fire? How about suggesting a “time out” to give both parties a chance to reflect on what just happened?
When we’re in conflict with another person, it’s amazing how the pace and volume of dialogue increases. If we don’t feel we’re being heard, we tend to repeat our message louder and faster. When this is about to happen, what if we envision a snowball being thrown at us and react in slow motion? We imagine ourselves ducking to avoid the snowball, halt a verbal response and put our energy into trying to figure out the source of the snowball’s negative energy. In other words, why are we getting zinged? A delayed response will undoubtedly throw the other person off guard a bit and might even give him/her a chance to do some reflecting as well. A delayed response on your part also gives you a chance to reflect rather than react. Just imagine a moment or more of silence. What does that say to the other person?
A de-escalation of conflict can melt some of the emotion and may even present an opportunity for some calm and rational discussion. We often say that conflict in itself is not unhealthy. The challenge for all of us is how well we manage it.
